Your Jokes Here Please
Forum: water cooler
Topic: Your Jokes Here Please
started by: humpty
Posted by humpty on July 26 2008,13:24Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: It can't be done; it's a hardware problem.
Posted by WDef on July 28 2008,12:22I often can't remember jokes. But google is my friend. I particularly like 3, 4, 8, 10, 11:
< http://www.cs.bgu.ac.il/~omri/Humor/lightbulb.html >
Posted by WDef on July 28 2008,12:23And this (LOL):
Posted by Nigadoo on July 31 2008,16:13I get home from work, and my four year old daughter is sitting in the living room on the floor, under a blanket (over her head, covering her whole body), talking on the cordless phone to my mother-in-law.
My daughter says at one point: "Phew! Nanny! My gina smells like tuna."
Uh, time for a bath ...
Posted by jpeters on Aug. 01 2008,20:55
This is all fairly hypothetical. First, you'd need to find a place that offers that kind of training. Next, there's the problem of getting them into the country.
Posted by jpeters on Aug. 02 2008,19:51Re: engineers; you have to give credit where credit is do:
< Ticked off engineer >
Posted by stupid_idiot on Aug. 09 2008,00:24< 189 Funny UNIX Error Messages >
Posted by curaga on Aug. 09 2008,10:03unzip;strip;touch;grep;grep;finger;mount;fsck;more;yes;fsck;fsck;fsck;umount;sleep 10h
And you thought unix was nice
Posted by webeye on Sep. 17 2008,13:19I found this while surfing.
< http://www.minds.nuim.ie/~cyberax/blog/?cat=7 >
A Linux House
Being a Linux user is sort of like living in a house inhabited by a large family of carpenters and architects. Every morning when you wake up, the house is a little different. Maybe there is a new turret, or some walls have moved. Or perhaps someone has temporarily removed the floor under your bed.
“UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity” — Dennis Ritchie
Linux is user friendly. Its just picky about who its friends are.
Microsoft: “You’ve got questions. We’ve got dancing paperclips.”
Failure is not an option — it comes bundled with Windows.
Posted by spark-o-matic on Sep. 23 2008,02:55As a United States veteran, I find a couple things about Linux funny.
First off, I would never have dared to boot a Kernel.
But I have seen a Kernel panic (pun intended).
Then when shutting down, it's not enough to terminate all processes, they must then also be killed!
When I first downloaded Damn Small Linux a friend would call up and ask "What are you doing this evening?"
"I'm just playing with Damn Small."
But my favorite error is:
Too few arguments
I wish I heard that more often!
Thanks all. I needed a good ROFL about now.
Posted by humpty on Sep. 25 2008,20:06as an "x.luni" , "mr.sicfoot" is always looking back to the days when he was but a "sod".
Posted by sankarv on Sep. 30 2008,05:53This seems too good, got from web....
If Operating Systems Ran The Airlines
Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.
Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on ...
All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.
The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.
Windows NT Air
Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.
Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the Seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?"
Posted by webeye on Oct. 01 2008,20:51Funny cartoon < http://ars.userfriendly.org/cartoons/?id=20080930&mode=classic >
Funny webpage and oh so true: < http://www.catb.org/~esr/html-hell.html >
Posted by spark-o-matic on Oct. 04 2008,05:13"I used to have that problem when I ran Windows!"
Edit: By way of disclaimer, I expect that what I have posted is derived from something or another that I have seen or heard somewhere and has evolved as I have told the jokes. I do not claim them to be original but lack the time to research the true origins amongst all of the other plagiarizers which may be who I heard it from without reference to the original.
Posted by spark-o-matic on Nov. 18 2008,03:28ok, one more. Not so much just linux. I saw something somewhere and it has evolved over the last year or so.
Computers help us make more mistakes faster then every before in human
history. Then we can transmit our mistakes world wide instantly.
Plz keep this thread going. We all need a good laugh about now with the state of the price of tea in China.
Posted by eeek on Nov. 20 2008,20:03Here's a good quote I copied from someone on Slashdot:
Not only is he a technologist, he's a great scientician and an award-winning engineeringer. His unfailicating leaderostimation and efficientistic directionating of Microsoft's profusical resources will undoubtingly work for the betterificationating of all humanitism.
Posted by webeye on Dec. 12 2008,01:58Computer one-liners
A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation.
According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.
A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken.
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
Air conditioned environment - Do NOT open Windows!
All computers wait at the same speed.
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
All you need to know is the user interface.
Alpha. Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user feedback. Alpha is Latin for "doesn't work."
Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used.
Any program that runs right is obsolete.
A paperless office has about as much chance as a paperless bathroom.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
A Life? Cool! Where can I download one of those from?
A program is never finished until the programmer dies.
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.
A user friendly computer first requires a friendly user.
A user will find any interface design intuitive...with enough practice.
Backup not found: (A)bort ®etry (P)anic
Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat [Y/N]?
Be aware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers.
Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression
Beta. Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released. Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work."
Bug? That's not a bug, that's a feature.
Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will use it.
Buy a Pentium IV 2GHz so you can reboot faster.
Cannot load Windows 95, Incorrect DOS Version.
COFFEE.EXE Missing---Insert Cup and Press Any Key.
Compatible: Gracefully accepts erroneous data from any source.
Computer analyst to programmer: "You start coding. I'll go find out what they want."
Computer and car salesmen differ in that the latter know when they are lying.
Computer programmers do it byte by byte.
Computer programmers don't byte, they nibble a bit.
Computers are a more fun way to do the same work you'd have to do without them.
Computers are like air-conditioners: both stop working, if you open windows.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
Computers can never replace human stupidity.
Computer Science: solving today's problems tomorrow.
Computers follow your orders, not your intentions.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Crashing is the only thing windows does quickly.
Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C mean?
Disclaimer: Any errors in spelling, tact, or fact are transmission errors.
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
Don't compute and drive; the life you save may be your own.
Don't document the program; program the document.
Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.
Don't let the computer bugs bite!
DOS=HIGH? I knew it was on something!
DOS Tip #1: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
DOS Tip #2: Add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
Email returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
Error:015: Unable to exit Windows. Try the door.
Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I...
Every bug you find is the last one.
Every time I type 'win', I loose ...
Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.
Failure is not an option, it comes bundled with the software.
.....File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
For any problem there is a solution that is simple, quick, and ultimately worse than the problem.
Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
Hi, my name is Any Key. Please don't hit me!
Hit any user to continue.
Home is where the computer is plugged in.
How an engineer writes a program: Start by debugging an empty file...
I am a computer, dumber than any human and smarter than an administrator.
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.
If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work station?
I finally made my stupid computer faster; I dropped it out of the window, and it went really fast.
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce today would cost $100, get a million miles to the gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax?
If your computer says, "Printer out of Paper," this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the "OK" button.
I have a dream: 1073741824 bytes free.
I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on tape somewhere.
I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
In a few minutes a computer can make a mistake so great that it would take many men many months to equal it.
Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking.
It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.
It said "Insert disk 3..." but only 2 fit.
It's not a bug; it's an undocumented feature.
It works! Now if only I could remember what I did...
I wish life has a scroll back buffer.
Keyboard : Instrument used to enter errors into computer.
Keyboard not connected, press F1 to continue.
MACINTOSH stands for Most Applications Crash If Not The Operating System Hangs.
Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can't be fixed...
Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(ln(13e))]-[sin(xy)/2.362x]
Melted fruit snacks found on Keyboard. Delete nephew [Y/N]?
MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software is Only for Fools and Teenagers.
Mommy! The cursor's winking at me!
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
Never say "OOPS!" always say "Ah, Interesting!"
No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get heavier.
Of course I know how to copy disks. Where's the xerox machine?
One person's error is another person's data.
One picture is worth 128K words.
Operator! Trace this call and tell me where I am.
Owners of digital watches: Your day's are numbered!
Oxymoron: Microsoft Works.
Press any key...no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
Press CTRL-ALT-DEL to continue....
Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.
Programmer's Time-Space Continuum: Programmers continuously space the time.
RAM disk is NOT an installation procedure.
Reference Manual: Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also used to compensate for that short table leg.
Scheduled Release Date: A carefully calculated date determined by estimating the actual shipping date and subtracting six months from it.
Shift to the left! Shift to the right! Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte!
Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
Speed Kills! Use Windows 95.
System going down at 1:45 for disk crashing.
The box said: 'install on Windows 95, NT 4.0 or better'. So I installed it on Linux.
The definition of an upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
The name is Baud......, James Baud.
The program is absolutely right; therefore the computer must be wrong.
The programmer's national anthem is 'AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH'.
The Queue Principle: The longer you wait in line, the greater the likelihood that you are standing in the wrong line.
There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days before Saturday.
There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works.
There can never be a computer language in which you cannot write a bad program.
There were computers in Biblical times. Eve had an Apple.
These settings will have no effect until you restart the system.
Reset Universe (Y/N) ?
Those who can, do. Those who cannot, teach. Those who cannot teach, HACK!
To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.
To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
User error: replace user and press any key to continue.
Warning, keyboard not found. Press Enter to continue.
What boots up must come down.
Who's General Failure and why's he reading my disk?
Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
Why do they call this a word processor? It's simple, ... you've seen what food processors do to food, right?
Why do we want intelligent terminals when there are so many stupid users?
Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?
Windows 3.1 not found: ©heer, (P)arty, (D)ance?
Windows is NOT a virus. Viruses DO something.
WINDOWS stands for Will Install Needless Data On Whole System.
Windows: the ultimate triumph of marketing over technology.
You are making progress if each mistake is a new one.
You don't have to know how the computer works, just how to work the computer.
You forgot to do your backup 16 days ago. Tomorrow you'll need that version.
You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it!
You never finish a program, you just stop working on it.