Jokes

Forum: water cooler
Topic: Jokes
started by: jesseakc

Posted by jesseakc on June 28 2005,04:35

I thought we might need a good humor thread, so lets hear some jokes! Try and keep them clean. I'll start it off.

Quote

MAN: I'd like to buy some dog food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?
MAN: He's at home.
CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.

The next day, the man returns.
MAN: I'd like to buy some cat food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Well...where is he?
MAN: He's at home!
CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.

The next day the man returns.
CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack?
MAN: Put your hand inside.
CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm...It's warm and moist! What is it?
MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper.

This joke was found at < http://jokes.comedycentral.com/jokeOfDay.asp. >

Posted by andrewphoto on June 28 2005,11:52

In an alternate Windows XP reality (nightmare?) one Saturday afternoon, I went off to K-Mart to buy myself a new television. When I got back home, I found that I couldn't get in my house, the lock had changed.

Posted by jesseakc on June 28 2005,14:19

lol

crazy world.

Here's another one.

Idiot Sightings

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore. (This one was from Kingman, KS.)

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had Iceberg lettuce. (And he was a Kansas City chef!)

IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask." (Happened in Birmingham, Ala.)

IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" (She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS)

IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun! We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. (This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.)

IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. (A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office no less.)

IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side." (This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi!)

Posted by andrewphoto on June 28 2005,15:26

Text editor pretending to be a word processor, i.e., no tables.

Posted by andrewphoto on June 29 2005,11:17

Quote: The box said, requires windows 98 or better, so I installed linux.

Posted by jesseakc on June 29 2005,17:44

lol, I like that one.

Posted by andrewphoto on July 02 2005,11:03

Conscription in the US in about 18 months.

Posted by kangaroo killa on July 08 2005,14:36

A man walked into a bar what did he say? ouch :blues:

Posted by andrewphoto on July 09 2005,00:38

That's such a terrible joke, I just felt that I'd move the thread along!!

A dog, walks into a bar.
He's wearing a suit, a shirt & tie.
He says to the bartender, I'd like a scotch & toilet water.

Posted by kangaroo killa on July 09 2005,05:40

i love saying lame jokes lol.

3 gay guys walked into a bar and there was only 1 stool. what did they do?

A: they turned the stool upside down

Posted by andrewphoto on July 09 2005,13:23

S..t, when I started reading that one and I saw the word stool my brain said turd...

OK. Not quite an appropriate time but;
What do you call an underground train full of professors?
A tube of smarties.
That's quite an English joke!

Posted by andrewphoto on July 09 2005,23:09

One of my favourites of all time;

What's, big, blue, and eats trees?
A big blue tree eater.

Posted by jshaw on July 15 2005,20:04

A coworker brought this to me the other day:
from< The Poddys Directory >

JUDGING CHILI

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting
Texas:

Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding
Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili
cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the
original person called in sick at the last moment, and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the
chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told
me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy smokes, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took two beers
to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These hicks
are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight
Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor needs more peppers to be
taken seriously.
FRANK: Shit! Keep this away from the children! I'm not sure
what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave
off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich
maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more
beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red
peppers.
FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA; I've located a
uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I
could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the
back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with
fresh refills to save me the run.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can't focus my eyes. I farted
and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant
seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain
damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it.
Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to
stop screaming.

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance
of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous
flames No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Very Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned
chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried
about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin,
and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the
world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are
covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at
some point. Thank God! At autopsy they'll know what killed me.
Have decided to stop breathing, too painful, not getting any
oxygen anyway.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe
for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge
Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
FRANK: ------- (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

Posted by mgmont on July 16 2005,03:29

I received this from a friend today and thought I would share.

THE HEADACHE

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare. condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "Thats what I need...a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly or eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right. How did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed joe and said, "Let"s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right. How did you know?

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

New suit - $400

New shirt - $36

New underwear - $6

Second Opinion - PRICELESS