Search Members Help

» Welcome Guest
[ Log In :: Register ]

Mini-ITX Boards Sale, Fanless BareBones Mini-ITX, Bootable 1G DSL USBs, 533MHz Fanless PC <-- SALE $200 each!
Get The Official Damn Small Linux Book. DSL Market , Great VPS hosting provided by Tektonic
Pages: (3) </ 1 2 [3] >/

[ Track this topic :: Email this topic :: Print this topic ]

reply to topic new topic new poll
Topic: Jokes, Post your jokes here< Next Oldest | Next Newest >
andrewphoto Offline

Group: Members
Posts: 189
Joined: June 2005
Posted: July 09 2005,13:23 QUOTE

S..t, when I started reading that one and I saw the word stool my brain said turd...

OK. Not quite an appropriate time but;
What do you call an underground train full of professors?
A tube of smarties.
That's quite an English joke!
Back to top
Profile PM 
andrewphoto Offline

Group: Members
Posts: 189
Joined: June 2005
Posted: July 09 2005,23:09 QUOTE

One of my favourites of all time;

What's, big, blue, and eats trees?
A big blue tree eater.
Back to top
Profile PM 
jshaw Offline

Group: Members
Posts: 42
Joined: July 2004
Posted: July 15 2005,20:04 QUOTE

A coworker brought this to me the other day:
fromThe Poddys Directory


Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting

 Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding
 Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili
 cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the
 original person called in sick at the last moment, and I
 happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
 directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was
 assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the
 chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told
 me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

 Here are the scorecards from the event:

 Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
 JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
 JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
 FRANK: Holy smokes, what the hell is this stuff? You could
 remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took two beers
 to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These hicks
 are crazy.

 Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
 JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight
 Jalapeno tang.
 JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor needs more peppers to be
 taken seriously.
 FRANK: Shit! Keep this away from the children! I'm not sure
 what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave
 off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich
 maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.

 Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
 JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more
 JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red
 FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA; I've located a
 uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
 Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I
 could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the
 back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.

 Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
 JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.  Disappointing.
 JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
 fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
 FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
 unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with
 fresh refills to save me the run.

 Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
 JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
 adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
 JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato.
 Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
 FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can't focus my eyes. I farted
 and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant
 seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain
 damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it.
 Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to
 stop screaming.

 Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
 JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance
 of spice and peppers.
 JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
 garlic. Superb.
 FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous
 flames No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.

 Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
 JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
 JUDGE TWO: Very Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned
 chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried
 about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress.
 FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin,
 and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the
 world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are
 covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at
 some point. Thank God! At autopsy they'll know what killed me.
 Have decided to stop breathing, too painful, not getting any
 oxygen anyway.

 Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
 JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe
 for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
 JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither
 mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge
 Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
 FRANK: ------- (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

Dell Optiplex GX100 - Painted Flat Black
Celeron 566
256 MB RAM
NVIDIA GeForce 4400MX - Onboard graphics are crap
Old Sound Card
ProView 19" Widescreen 1440x900 native resolution
   (thanks XFree86 and nvidia2 extensions)
DSL 4.2.5 ROCKS on this machine!
Back to top
Profile PM 
mgmont Offline

Group: Members
Posts: 77
Joined: April 2005
Posted: July 16 2005,03:29 QUOTE

I received this from a friend today and thought I would share.


The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.  The bad news is that it will require castration.  You have a very rare. condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.  The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed.  He wondered if he had anything to live for.  He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person.  He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "Thats what I need...a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly or eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right.  How did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly.  As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed joe and said, "Let"s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right.  How did you know?

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha!  I got you!  I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34.  A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

New suit - $400

New shirt - $36

New underwear - $6

Second Opinion - PRICELESS
Back to top
Profile PM 
13 replies since June 28 2005,04:35 < Next Oldest | Next Newest >

[ Track this topic :: Email this topic :: Print this topic ]

Pages: (3) </ 1 2 [3] >/
reply to topic new topic new poll
Quick Reply: Jokes

Do you wish to enable your signature for this post?
Do you wish to enable emoticons for this post?
Track this topic
View All Emoticons
View iB Code